Guilt Fest

I've been lying to my mother. I can't help it. It's a matter of survival. She asks me the same question constantly: "Did you see your father today?" When I say "no" she exhales loud enough to hear it thru the phone. That sound kills me. It's worse than the mother-of-a-teenager sigh, I'm so disappointed in you. I can't stand it.

And so I lie. I lie and tell her I looked in on him at 2 or during lunch or on my way home from work. I tell her that he was fine, sleeping, starting at the tv... It makes her feel good somehow, and he doesn't know who I am. He doesn't react at all when I walk in there. So what's the harm in a little lie?

She says that we cannot abandon my father just because he has brain damage. He deserves better. He does.

I'm dying of guilt.